31st December 2017

What a year that was! A year of Trump, who withdrew from UNESCO, climate-change agreements and immigration laws. He understood that Israel was being treated unfairly by the UN via majority Muslim votes then formally recognised Jerusalem as the legitimate capital of Israel. In France pro-EU centrist Macron beat the far-right Le Pen. Saudi Arabia severed diplomatic ties with Qatar, accusing it of supporting terrorists and Iran. Zimbabwe's Mugabe resigned. The UK launched the process to quit the EU but the PM lost her parliamentary majority. Brussels and London agreed divorce terms. Humanitarian disaster in Yemen. Escalation of nuclear race in North Korea. Myanmar's Rohingyas' genocide. Catalonia's autonomy suspended. Weinstein scandal. Isis largely defeated.
....and I thought we'd had a difficult year! From my own experiences: don't be swayed by the material things in life but remain true to your own inner feelings. Don't choose where to live based on the weather but recognise where you feel most at home and not treated as a permanent 'foreigner'. A very happy and healthy New Year to you all.

Blog extra

Hurry. Grand Sale.
27 - 29 Dec only at this reduced price.
Just 99p/99c. (Paperbacks also available).
Which books do you like to read? Wartime noir thrillers/college murders/humorous adventures abroad - they’re all here. Now’s the time but you’ll have to hurry. One more day at the reduced price. Enjoy.

Lamplight. authl.it/4q0

Vichyssoise. authl.it/52l

3rd Degree Murder. authl.it/4ia

Pensioners in Paradis. authl.it/86j

23rd December 2017

It's that time of year to focus on family. My own history reveals the terrible family consequences of letting misunderstandings fester which could have been easily solved if someone had reached out in time.Yesterday in Birmingham Paul Williams, 38, died homeless outside the Bull Ring.  Although he'd been offered hostel accommodation he didn't want to lose the friendship from an old man sleeping rough beside him. In times of trouble, they stood beside each other and helped.  They chose a spot to sleep outside the Wagamama restaurant because there was a downward warm draught from an upper vent cooking outlet. It appears there was a long rift with his father over Paul's drinking. Coupled with this was Paul's epilepsy problems. The father had tried looking for his son as he feared he might have been sleeping rough but despite a search he'd been unable to find him. What a tragedy. Particularly at this time of year, whatever the cause of your family's problems, think of this vulnerable man's death and also of the poor father who will never get his son back.  Take it from me: don't let family problems and feuds fester over long periods. Give everyone you love a hug whilst you still can.
Season's greetings from Olga to you all.

17rh December 2017

Those of us who trained as dancers were all agog. Who would win the Strictly Come Dancing show?  Who had the best dancing skills?  However the winner was judged by the viewers. Similarly in the far more serious fields of politics and in the criminal courts. Should Britain leave the EU? Let's ask the general public.  Never mind that the average man in the street couldn't possibly understand the intricacies and financial consequences. In the courts, back when we had the death penalty, a jury of ordinary citizens, completely untrained in the field of criminology, were handed the role of life and death over some poor person. Imagine if this happened in other fields.  Picture the neurosurgeon about to decide which bit of the brain to excise to cure a terrible disease: should he then call in a 'jury' of complete novices to make the ultimate decision?  In football, was it a penalty?  Let's ask the baying, opinionated crowd. The general public will always choose the personality, be swayed by the current fashion/media, will tend to use emotion rather than raw facts. In TV programmes the result isn't that important. In more serious issues, it is. When important decisions must be made, ALWAYS leave it to the experts in the field.

10th December 2017

For me it's been a good week. My publisher, Crooked Cat Books, has announced that they have signed my sequel to the successful Pensioners in Paradis:  it's called Paradis to Perdition: A Year in France.  "We're delighted to announce that Crooked Cat signed the sequel to the multi-bestselling PENSIONERS IN PARADIS today. Olga Swan's PARADIS TO PERDITION: A YEAR IN FRANCE is to be released in mid-2018."
What's this new one about? Hot off the presses, here's the blurb plus a recent review:
"After a successful transition from the gloom of England to La Belle France, the year starts well for our two pensioners in Paradis – but all is not as it seems.  An ageing Him Indoors has written a composite diary in true Jack Benny style. In the fine art of humorous self-disparagement, he recounts exactly what happened between him and She Who Must Be Obeyed.  From January to December it’s a time where self-humiliation and realistic comedy battle against a rising tide of Brexit and angst. This is France as you’ve never seen it before. What exactly do the French think of two ageing English pensioners and how to cope with looming disaster in a foreign land?  Take a personal peek inside a fateful year in France – exactly as it happened. English self-deprecating wit at its very best.
 ***** Fabulous
Olga invites you to become a part of her journey to a new life with her husband in sunny southern France. Written from a casual, enjoyable mature pen, Olga give such warmth and life to all they encounter, good and challenging. Pour yourself a nice glass of your favorite wine and dive into this refreshing tale"
Of course today's news brings the angst even further forward as Theresa May continues Britain's lone quest to leave an increasingly difficult EU. What's up with everybody. No-one wants all these theatrics. It's as if unelected EU individuals are each glorying in the global spotlight of their own petty self-importance. Time it was all over and done with!

3rd December 2017

Yesterday my new friend Adrian Goldberg, a well-known broadcaster, was on BBC Radio 4 interviewing a Birmingham architect in his inner-city home.  What was interesting was how the architect had modernised his old house to incorporate new technology.  He had left the exterior as it was, in keeping with the rest of the street and area, but had then totally modernised the interior.  There is a closed FB site called Old Photos of Birmingham where contributors continually lambast town planners for destroying the city's heritage and culture, but still the wholesale destruction goes on, in the name of progress.  When we lived in France I was continually struck by how the French never seem to knock anything down, so retaining the original character of the country.  Similarly, when I visit charming places like Bath or even London, I see whole rows of Regency houses, giving a flavour of the city's past. Obviously we can't expect people to live with outmoded facilities - I remember all too well my grandparents' house in the old back-to-back courtyards of Birmingham - but why decimate our heritage?  So, Adrian: did you give a hint, yesterday, to the nation's builders and town planners on the way forward?  Yes!  Retain the characterful exteriors of our buildings - reminding everyone of our history and culture - but bring the interiors completely up to date with all that modern technology can provide.

26th November 2017

Continuing my look at the UK after 12 years away...
What does Britain stand for?  In France many, like Napoleon, still look on us as a nation of shopkeepers. British old-timers still see their country as a flagship for the world, ruling the waves from its vast Commonwealth powerbase, an example to the world of a longstanding democracy, with centuries of the rule of law and traditional institutions.  But today? The country is a patchwork quilt of an increasingly large population of black, Asian and Muslim peoples added to the indigenous Anglo-Saxon, all bringing different mindsets and cultural opinions to the mix. This brings an identity crisis. We're all confused and ill at ease. Added to this is the longwinded divorce proceedings known as Brexit.  Elsewhere in Europe there is a sense of bewilderment and no-one really cares about us any more. The government is split, and if Corbyn's Labour gains control, he will lead the country into an equally stupid, socialist past where unelected unions rule the roost. SS Britannia is adrift in the waves, leaderless and rudderless unless someone somewhere marches up to the helm and takes control. My wish? An immediate second referendum before it's too late, this time giving the people full economic and other facts consequent on withdrawal. Otherwise it's a tragedy.

19th November 2017

...then I'll huff and I'll puff
And I'll blow your house down
                                    old nursery rhyme
I grew up remembering by heart colourful oral stories of big bad wolves.They helped me make sense of the world and provided a moral framework. Yet here in the UK the Chief Inspector of Schools has said they are no longer to be taught in schools. Ask any schoolkid today and have they even heard of them? Something has been lost. On Tuesday the French PM promises tough new measures to combat homelessness, and on Wednesday here the Chancellor is to announce plans to build more homes.  Yes, but will it be enough? Four months ago we ourselves bought an efficient new-build, affordable house in Bham. That's what's needed: more and more new, affordable houses like ours. Fly over the UK at present and you see acres of empty food-producing land, no longer needed. Houses are.  So, Mr. Chancellor, forget the 'sacrosanct' green belt and build lots of new garden cities like beautiful Bournville here in Bham, comprising parks, green areas and transport links. At a stroke this will give young people their first, affordable, step on the housing ladder, reduce crime caused by homelessness and improve life prospects and the economy. No longer Old Mother Hubbard who lived in a shoe, but the little pig who built his house of bricks. That's the way to stop the big bad wolf.

12th November 2017

If I should die 
Think only this of me
That's there's some corner of a foreign field
That is forever England
Rupert Brooke
Today millions will attend war memorials. Why oh why do we do this? I'm not talking about remembering those who have died. Heaven knows we must all remember those who have lived on this Earth - otherwise for what purpose their lives? No, I'm talking about sending young men, full of life, into front-line war zones where they are trained to kill and be killed. I know many are the times when mad despots rise to positions of power with murderous intent - Hitler and Stalin come to mind - and they must of course be stopped at all costs. So, what's the solution?  Ask Alexa!  I kid you not. Now is the age to stop all human killing. At last we have the technology to build and programme silicone robots to do the job of killing for us. They should be the soldiers of the future, programmed to wipe out just enemy robots in the field. Just think not only of the human lives saved but also the food, accommodation and salaries no longer needed. We know it can be done. Already countries like Japan have replaced human hotel staff, butlers, car makers etc, and surgeons use robots for delicate surgery, so why not replace human soldiers? On this day, at the 11th hour, make a wish:  stop killing our young men in war for ever.

5th November 2017

"Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot.."
Nothing like coming back to England and seeing everything with newly objective eyes. The above poem of course refers to Guy Fawkes when, in the 17C, he was caught in the cellars of the Houses of Parliament with several dozen barrels of gunpowder. It wasn't just his sentence as a traitor but the barbaric, inhumane, means of his execution - the most horrendous ever practised (hanged, drawn and quartered). So why, in today's more liberal age, are we still commemorating it by burning effigies of the poor man and lighting fireworks? Schadenfreude still? There are many news items today that could be deemed treason - acting against the interests of one's own country. Yet, what is in all the news this week?  Sex. Lots of it. Since the days of Jimmy Saville, no man is immune. From celebrities to MPs. Could it be that the very salaciousness of the topic overrides more mundane, yet eminently more serious, crimes? Roll over Mr. Fawkes. You're soon to be joined by every male celebrity that ever lived. The police, as we speak, are uncovering every juicy bit of evidence over which they can possibly salivate. Meantime the real criminals - murderers, thieves, traitors etc. - are going scot free. Welcome back to England! 

29th October 2017

The clocks went back today. Is Europe following?
A bad week for Spain. No, not just their football loss yesterday to England. Their country is breaking up. Rumblings from other groups too: the Basques, Brittany, Scotland, Wales, N. Ireland. Following Brexit, the Poles, Czechs, Hungarians are also muttering about leaving the EU.  It's foolish to think all this is none of the EU's business. Its blundering inflexibility has already lost it the UK. No other country now dares hold an exit referendum. So, what exactly is the problem? Originally its '50's concept was for just a trade zone - hence the term Common Market - and to avoid all those past wars within its borders, but as usual the problem is....Germany! Its domination of the eurozone has blighted the Spanish and Greek economies and is mainly to blame for the present crisis. Hitler would be dancing a jig. The EU under Germany's rule cares not a jot for regional identity, nor for devolution. The EU concept should never have allowed one large country to dominate over all the others.  It was meant to be an equal, round table, partnership just for trade. So, Catalonia is about Europe as much as about Spain. Europe: the warning alarms have sounded.  Don't go back to sleep - do something about it before it's too late.

22nd October 2017

In this life you have to be flexible.
   In the Apprentice on Wednesday, the contestants had to design a robot so that it could interract in today's world, and then sell it to interested parties.  As expected, the egotistical youngsters were so focused on themselves and arguing with each other that they missed the main picture.
   On Thursday Theresa May arrived at the EU summit in Brussels, following a press conference with Donald Tusk and Jean-Claude Juncker.  She was armed with precise instructions from her Cabinet and focused on one aim: what was best for Britain.  In turn Donald Tusk and Jean-Claude Juncker arrived with precise, voted-on, instructions from the council comprising all the other EU countries. In business, politics and in life flexibility is required.  In critical negotiations always give the negotiator carte blanche to make individual decisions.  At such times you cannot be robotic:  you must have the power to duck and dive, bend and move at will, not hampered by pre-instructions. In Brussels neither side had this flexibility. What would Alan Sugar have predicted? Stalemate.

15th October 2017

It's good to love your country. Yet, yet...
   In France Macron has agreed that French should no longer use the masculine domination of grammatical gender - a form of 'sexual tyranny' - to be replaced by a new gender-neutral version 'ecriture inclusive'. Normally, French plurals use the masculine form if both genders are involved, but now a plural like amis (friends of both genders) will become 'ami.e.s'. However, as expected, many are the French voices of dissent, including the prestigious, but traditionalist, Academie Francaise. In the US and S. Africa, many are the statues of past 'heroes' that are being pulled down due to changed, current views about race and slavery. And what of ME countries where women are still being subjugated due to traditional practices and where men are traditionally expected to behave in a particular way?
....So the question is:  how can good citizens swear an oath of allegiance if that very country's traditions are no longer relevant today? Those who love their country become good citizens based on their love of the traditions of the past, but what to do when so many of those traditions are now no longer relevant? Do we, like Macron, tear up the rule book or, by so doing, do we destroy the very fabric of what makes a country great?

8th October 2017

Did you see The Apprentice on Wednesday? What you see is what you get. This UK series is the last in a 3-year contract, Sugar's fee going to charity. When asked whether he thinks Trump, the original US host, is "up to the job", Sugar replies "Why not? I think he is up to it. Actually, if he didn't open his mouth so much and put his foot in it. He thinks he's still on The Apprentice. He chucks people out who don't agree with him."  Well, yes.  Trouble is, the show worked wonders for Trump by convincing many Americans that he was a master dealmaker.  As Sugar says "If you owe the bank $2,000, they'll shut you down and make you sell your house.  If you owe them $2bn they'll take you out to lunch!" Does Sugar see himself following in Trump's footsteps by putting himself forward as a future PM?  No, it's a thankless task, he says.  You just can't win. These days image has a lot to do with it. No good putting yourself on a stage, as May did this week, and have the letter F fall off behind you (F off?), plus images of standing in an empty market hall, contrasted with your opponent's newly-groomed image amidst cheering supporters. Nothing to do with politics then. Image is everything. Just watch the next episode of The Apprentice. As with politics, schadenfreude is all.

1st October 2017

Extremism is no good, especially in world politics. Whilst Corbyn hails the UK unions' strength, Macron launches the opposite in France. "Concrete and major measures," said Macron, overhauling France's complex labour laws to tackle mass unemployment and make France more competitive globally. Of course, the French unions don't like it. It will reduce their hefty influence and end the jobs-for-life culture that Macron says is a brake on economic growth.  Just like the UK argument: Labour v Conservative.  Remember the 70s, when Union leader Scargill was at his height? I certainly do. Sitting at home, 9 months pregnant, with no electricity or heat and outside no rubbish collections or even burials. I wonder how many in the UK know the salaries of top Union leaders like Len McCluskey?  Whilst apparently sympathising with his members' pay freeze he awards himself a pay rise of 3.7% to over £140,000 p.a. I always mistrust their motives: are they really trying to help workers, or merely wanting to sustain their own personal power? Union leaders should never gain so much strength that they are effectively running the government. I hate extremism of any kind: far right (Hitler) or far left (Communism). What the UK needs is a Macron-type centrist government.

24th September 2017

A number of surprising firsts this week.
One of France's most celebrated chefs, Sebastien Bras, who runs the acclaimed Le Suquet restaurant in Laguiole near the Aveyron, announced on Wednesday that he wanted to be dropped from the rankings of France's gastronomic bible and lose his Michelin stars. Why? He'd had enough of the rat-race and wanted to concentrate purely on making good food. An Iraqi cleric praised the Jewish people for having emerged from the Holocaust following WWII and managed to win "the respect of the world through science", while Muslims he said are seen as having become "the world's headache." A major speech by Theresa May in Florence on Friday was actually praised and welcomed by the EU, and even by Boris Johnson. And for me, personally, my latest book became a 4 time international best seller - especially in Australia - a country which I've never visited. Surprising as the book's selling simply via word of mouth. Thank you everyone, but especially my unknown readers in Australia.

17th September 2017

A standard world news week. Terrorist attacks in London and Paris and global warming effects in the West create banner headlines, whilst far worse in the third world goes largely unreported. Little minnow North Korea pretends it's competing with mighty America by firing a deadly arsenal nearer and nearer to the US.  TV dramas obtain audiences of millions by simulating terrible murders, searing explosions and eulogising gun-toting 'heroes' who think nothing of killing as many people as possible.  So thrilling!  Children's stores are ludicrously eliminating all gender-defining clothing (and schools now allow boys to wear dresses if they want to), whilst continuing to sell rubber guns, water pistols and armed warfare toys, thereby setting up children's mindsets that killing others is a fun game! Forget gender dressing and learn that it's 'macho' killing and schadenfreude that must be eliminated once and for all. Hasn't the world learned anything?  Maybe that's why my latest book is doing so well - currently ranked #1 in its category in the UK, #10 in the US. Does it contain any murder, killing or schadenfreude? No! It's light and full of man's humorous exchanges with other cultures. Do yourself a favour, relieve all that stress and grab your copy of Pensioners in Paradis now by clicking the picture opposite. You know you want to.

10th September 2017

"Why worry? If you've done the very best you can, worrying won't make it any better" Walt Disney...
As I write this, hurricane Irma is heading towards Miami, soon followed by hurricane Jose. In Asia severe flooding is getting worse. And what does the world do?  They're still discussing how man can reduce greenhouse gasses. It's obvious our climate is changing but my view is it's far more likely to be caused by natural planetary shifts, not by man at all. Was the Ice Age then caused by man?  1950s Bham was full of yellow factory smog and we never talked about greenhouse gasses then. Today the air is so much cleaner and fresher. The UN needs to discuss urgently not the causes but how to deal with the effects of climate change - moving people away from current and future likely hot spots, building tide barrages, reinforcing surge areas, building stronger houses - on stilts in flood areas etc.
.....The US is a capitalist society and Walt knew very well....if Disneyworld in Florida has closed its doors today, things must be bad. Stay safe everyone.

3rd September 2017

The anniversary of the start of WW11. As a writer I do a lot of research. I am always fascinated - indeed horrified - by how major conflicts of the past were started, and then exacerbated by tricks of fate or the wrong word said by someone at the wrong time. Millions of lives can be affected by such things. I often talk about an unknown man called Arthur Greenwood, a drunkard member of Churchill's war Cabinet, always exuding a palpable whiff of alcohol. The times were grim. Those around the war table were set to vote with Lord Halifax and Chamberlain in signing an accord with Hitler. History often records that sometimes in the chaos theory of life the right thing is said at the right time. This was such a moment. The drunken Greenwood stumbles to his feet and says No, no. How can you even contemplate surrender or negotiation with such a man? Churchill, as Chairman, sighed with relief. The tide turned, culminating in Hitler's eventual defeat. But what if Greenwood had been sick that day and absent from the table? Has your life been affected by such tricks of fate?  Have a read of Vichyssoise - click on the image on the right - and leave your review on Amazon.

27th August 2017

Bank holiday tomorrow. Time to reflect. In the news yet another boatload of poor people desperately trying to get a new life. Understandable if they're running from a war-torn country (my own ancestors did the same), but if they're economic migrants? On TV on Wednesday a couple in their 40s left well-paid jobs in London to move to the Lake District to start a pizzaria. Seemed a wonderful idea, away from the rat-race, but in reality it was non-stop work, 7/7. Was it worth it? On Tuesday I'll be online all day until the following morning, taking you through the details of what happened to us in 2005. As with the TV couple it all seemed a wonderful idea, a refreshing change from the rat-race. But, for the rest of your life?  Doesn't there come a time say twenty years down the line when you start to feel you want to go 'home'? Culture clash. However hard you try. And those poor economic migrants? I still feel that the rich West should spend money not in moving people away from home but in improving the infrastructure of their own country - directly, not by giving sums to their dictator leaders. What about you? Do you want to get a new life? Join me online on Tuesday: www.facebook.com/events/158998377995657 and find out how to do it.

20th August 2017

Barcelona. Las Ramblas - such a lovely wide boulevard, thronged with laughing, joyful holidaymakers, all mingling with each other along its cobbled thoroughfare. And now this. People despair and ask why is this happening in the world. But it's always happened. Man feels threatened unless he can 'protect' himself amongst his very own group, fighting off all those 'others'. However, centuries ago man only fought those who lived in the next village, unaware of what was happening in the rest of the world. Ironically today technology is at fault, opening up global vistas, showing how green it is the other side of the fence. Well, that was ever the reasoning. The difference today is that one group is fighting not to try to achieve what others have but with one aim only - to proselytise the rest of the world to their own 'group'.  Pure tribalism but with a global, evil twist. Let us hope they are never successful.
Meantime, technology's better side:  today I'm on fellow author Vanessa Couchman's blog, talking about the lighter side of cultural exchanges in Europe. Do pop over to www.vanessafrance.wordpress.com and read about my forthcoming release, Pensioners in Paradis: French Notes From A Broad. Thank you Vanessa.

13th August 2017

Immigrants....Years ago we were used to Pakistani and Bangladeshi immigrants. In France we'd read about EU immigration but not experienced it. Back in the UK the builders sent several workers to our new house. Couldn't quite place the first one's accent. Russian? No. Polish? No. Bulgarian! And when another builder came round, he sounded a bit similar. You must be Bulgarian, I said. No. Albanian! Oh the changes here post-war. From '48 to '62 the UK saw a wave of immigrants from Britain's imperial family. 500,000 arrived, mainly from the Caribbean, India and Pakistan. In Mirpur you earned 50p per week, in Wolverhampton £33. A no-brainer. Everyone thought they were here just temporarily, but it eventually turned the UK multicultural. And now the latest EU wave. After 2004 it was impossible for the government to control numbers, so Brexit was born. My conclusion? We must all learn how to deal with neighbours of a different culture.
...Hence the new published edition of my non-fiction book Pensioners in Paradis: French Notes from a Broad. How did Him indoors cope with dealing with a different culture? And how did the French cope with him? Now available for pre-order: click on the image on the right.

6th August 2017

Now I'm back in England, my head's much clearer. Must be all that rain, washing away my confusion. 12 years ago I still viewed France in awe - full of sun, cobalt-blue skies and gourmet food. We all looked for the same thing: a natural-stone cottage in glorious countryside, surrounded by acres of your own land and perhaps metres from a shimmering lake. You're going to speak French and integrate. And all for a mere fraction of a UK house. But after say 10 years, reality sets in. You're not getting any younger and the essentials of life like supermarkets/banks/petrol stations/cash machines/doctors are miles away, so what to do if either your eyesight's failing or only one of you drives? Land maintenance is fine if you're fit, but will you still be in 10 years' time? And those living near a lake/river: wait for the flooding to start. French living costs, once cheap, are steadily rising. Ultimate question: do you want to die there? (I know, you don't want to die anywhere!). And me? TG back in reality land, no longer foreign (even though I speak good French), shops open 'til 11 pm, no lunchtime closing, everything easier, quicker and more friendly. I can tell you straight: the French do not like the English - they are 'ferme', closed to outsiders. TG I've at last come to my senses. The English living in France are still in a dream world, still in long-term HOLIDAY mode. England has its faults, but it's HOME.

30th July 2017

A whirlwind week! American daughter Julie and son-in-law Scott are now en route back to Maine after spending a lovely week with us in Birmingham.
We enjoyed a day out in Wales, wandering around the ruins of Raglan Castle. For the knitters amongst you, the shortened sleeve was named after the poor Duke who lost his arm in battle, necessitating the local women to devise a special raglan knitting pattern just for him. Nearer to home we tramped up nearby Lickey Hills nearly losing Bruno who, comme d'habitude, ignored completely our commands! But the highlight of the week was undoubtedly yesterday, where at the Joseph Cohen Hall we enjoyed a service in our honour followed by a fab party with our friends from the community and family. Wonderful food - including fried fish balls, fried aubergine salad, felafel, pickled herring, cheeses, fruit etc etc. We even had golden balloons.  David Beckham eat your heart out. A special surprise for us was the composite picture below, which Julie had secretly arranged from some of our old wedding pics plus bottom left a vintage photo from 1930 where my late mother (frontrow, 4th left) won 1st prize as Miss Aston Villa. Now that's something you don't see every day.  Thank you to all the lovely people who helped us celebrate our 50th in style. Here's to the next 50 years.

23rd July 2017

50 years ago today Him indoors and I walked down the aisle together! Where did the time go? And now, here we are again in the same place. Below, en route to our honeymoon 23rd July 1967, standing in front of the Bham Hall of Memory on Broad Street. It was still the swinging sixties, flowered trouser suits all the rage - and that was just the men!  So much has changed in the world over the last 50 years but some things remain the same: still power-hungry, land-grabbing male world leaders causing havoc to ordinary citizens, still hungry people craving the essentials in life, still 'tribalism' amongst certain groups seeking to kill others unless they proselytise the rest of us to their beliefs....the list goes on. I, personally, am a spiritual person, but here's my Golden Wedding message to the rest of the world:  practise your religion by all means, but do it in private. Don't parade your beliefs or seek to proselytise others on the streets. Wear clothes normal for the country where you live and integrate into local society. That's what I've learned over the years, especially when living in other countries. Oh, and make sure you get on with your family - they're worth more than gold. Must dash to meet our precious daughter arriving from the US.and our precious son...enjoy your lives everyone. xx

16th July 2017

Why on Earth have you moved back to Bham from SW France...
First so much admin to deal with in an attempt to reverse what I did in 2005. So as a start I walked down the road to register with a GP and dentist, both conveniently in one building. As I walked in "Mr S. to Dr D. please" over a tannoy system. That was new to me. Next I applied for our 2 free travel passes, a real boon to me as both the bus into the city centre and the local train station are in walking distance from our new house.  Then I applied to the DVLA to swap our French driving licences back to UK ones, which should reduce our exorbitant car insurance - mainly because Him indoors insisted on buying a used Freelander HSE 3.2! (I wanted a new, nippy, reliable, easy to park car but guess who won?)
....Did you see the film Castaway with Tom Hanks? He had all the sunshine, fish, coconuts and peace he could possibly want but what did he do at the first opportunity? Rushed back to civilisation with all its faults.

9th July 2017

England. This green and pleasant land. Feel as if I've been in a coma for 12 years and just awakened. Familiar sights all around but new buildings plonked down overnight. New tech everywhere: every socket in our house has USB points and I'm trying to get to grips with Sky Q tv. How to play, pause and record whole series? No idea! At least I now have an old fashioned radio that simply plugs in so I can listen to BBC4. Joy unconfined after years of French tv babble. Shopping at Sainsburys surprisingly pleasant. Helpful assistants, long forgotten, familiar products and wide checkouts for ease of unloading. But, and there had to be a but, I hate online forms. They never have appropriate options, so I called a car insurance co. Disaster. They won't accept our French no claims, don't understand it and won't accept my translation. Ah the English. Some things never change.

25th June 2017

Change is in the air.
In the UK, the government's in turmoil. May had a seemingly unassailable lead in the polls, so gambled and lost. Formerly perceived as strong and capable, she was someone to take on the immigration surge and uphold Britain's values, as opposed to her opponent Corbyn - a die-hard hippie with 'dangerous' pacifist notions. Now all has been upended. Who will succeed her? David Davis, the one supported by girls in tight Tshirts emblazoned with DD??  Truth is we need a Macron! Neither right nor left, but someone to redraw Britain's political landscape. Just look what he's achieved in France, with the average MP age dropping more than five years and a record 38% females in his new assembly. I must admit, though, a few qualms when I saw his high handclasps with the smug, superior Merkel this week. Is this what Britain wants, a Europe dominated by Germany and France? (I know what my late father would say!)
Chez-nous a big improvement. At last the stupid blockade on our UK finances has been lifted plus, believe it or not, even a small compensation credited to our account! However, a new blockade is forming in Calais yet again, just when we're due to arrive there. Nothing ever runs smooth. Plus ca change....

18th June 2017

Him indoors is upset. His prized Land Rover has been sold to a dealership in Toulouse. Well, I say sold, but where's the money?  Their ads say 'Guaranteed - your money within 24 hours'. So Wednesday, in 40 degree heat, we first tootled to Albi to pick up a hire car, followed by a hazardous two vehicle drive down the motorway, me driving the LR, Him following in the unrecognisable hire car - both with GPS voices telling us to go in different directions! At last we found the dealership, signed the paperwork and waited for the transfer of a large amount of money into our French bank account....and waited....and waited.  Now Sunday. No car. Still no money, and our bank is shut Mondays. It'd better be there Tuesday or else.  Meantime, the saga of our English bank continues. Thursday, they agreed by email a small amount of compensation for all the stress over their threat to freeze our account. All sorted then?  No. Friday we received by standard post yet another letter, returning our previous id documents, saying they are unacceptable. Right hand:left hand syndrome? Words fail me. So tired. This leaving is so so difficult. Like the GPS all I can hear in my head: Take the exit, take the exit.

11th June 2017

Hottest day of the year and a lovely literary lunch chez-nous. Nothing better in my book! Was I going to let a little matter of a stupid Eng bank deter me? No, despite the fact that they're still refusing to recognise the id of Him indoors after being a member of theirs for 50 years. What have I sent them? Copy of his passport, certified by the mairie (whom they don't recognise), recent EDF bill, French bank statement showing credit of his state pension, letter from Bham City Council confirming his right to vote, his P60 etc. etc. But no: all our Eng money will be frozen from the 16th....until we can physically set foot in the UK and wring their necks personally. Will enjoy that.
Meantime far better to concentrate on the good things of life chatting to publishers Laurence and Steph of Crookedcatbooks.com, whilst enjoying chilled Vichyssoise soup fait maison bien sur! We enjoyed a friendly discussion author:publisher. Me: who are a publisher's customers - authors or book-buying public? What makes a prestigious publisher - no of books sold or recognition by industry peers? Answer 1: both. Answer 2: the latter. Them: what makes a good writer? Me:  write about what you know and are passionate about. Recognise importance of having a good publisher v downmarket self-publishing. Merci Laurence and Steph. An utterly charming couple.

4th June 2017

My patience is wearing very thin. Transport and bank problems. First: whether to sell the car Him indoors prizes. Decision: yes, as future problems of driving, insuring, registering and selling a left-hand drive vehicle in the UK are numerous. So, how to get there with a mutinous Him indoors and 2 old dogs? No, you can't hire a car in France and drop off in the UK. Eurostar doesn't take dogs. By air then? No. Cargo costs £1500 + expensive new lockable dog crates + harnesses + even more regs. Step in Folkestone Taxis. The only service offering one-way pet transport through the tunnel from the Calais end. Just need to hire a car from Albi to Calais then. Just catching a breath when in comes our English bank. They're going to freeze all our accounts from 16 June, held with them for 50 years(!), unless we walk in to a branch with our passports. Can you extend the deadline to 3 July? I asked. No, because of new money-laundering rules. Can I send a copy? No, must be the original. How to pay final balance for new house from a frozen account? Help. Must be thousands of weary British expats in this position, confronted by inflexible banks. And, this whole sorry saga was forced on us by Brexit - for which many expats weren't even allowed to vote, and if they had, there wouldn't be a Brexit! Very tired....

28th May 2017

Before this week, known globally just for its football. Now everything's changed. This week was meant to be all about the G7 Summit and Cannes' 70th birthday. I've always hated excess. A red carpet full of overpaid 'stars' with little talent other than to look good and to have been noticed in the right place at the right time by the right people. But not this week. It's all about what happened in a northern English town. Following earlier atrocities in the democratic West - the ones in Paris and Toulouse come to mind - everyone has come together. Manchester group Oasis played Never Look Back in Anger. I love MCR.  All well and good, but is this the right way to deal with terrorism? By being pacifist and linking arms doesn't stop it happening again - somewhere else, someone else's backyard. Not sure I agree with Oasis. Yes, we must look back in anger. Atrocity is not something to ignore and bury one's head in a peaceful, communal sandpit. It must be confronted by the very people in whose name it was committed. They are the only ones who must oust it from their midst. Remember: we all get angry at life's myriad injustices. Learn and deal with it in a non-confrontational way. But NEVER must we take it out on other innocent civilians. NEVER cause suffering to others.
That's what we must learn from Manchester.

21st May 2017

I write a regular blog called Obviously Olga on the online magazine englishinformerinfrance.com, which catalogues my weekly trials - especially now in limbo between France and the UK. Last week they kindly published an extra article on this topic, written a few weeks ago, reproduced below for those who haven't yet seen it. Hope you enjoy it.
From Brexit to Brentrance: an important year

 As I look out of the window, the Mediterranean sun is shining down and the trees are awash with white and pink blossom. The air is still, early season butterflies flit from leaf to leaf and the bees are busy, busy gefährlich. Chains of processionary caterpillars weave along the path on the perilous journey from their pinetree home. Are these tiny creatures warning me of dangers on the road ahead? Why would anyone want to move from the South of France to Birmingham? That’s what everyone asks us. Ah, if only they knew. What a year it’s proving to be. The number 7 is considered a lucky number in some religions. For us, 2017 is, PG, the year that we each hit 70 and it’s the year where in July, the 7th month, we hope to mark both our Golden wedding and our return to Birmingham. So, where did it all start? For those who read the earlier version of Pensioners in Paradis, we moved to France in 2005 following a disastrous fire at the indoor market in Birmingham where Him indoors had his DIY market stall. The full story of our French adventures is detailed in the new, published edition of Pensioners in Paradis, released by crookedcatbooks.com later this year. (Full details will be posted on my weekly blog olgaswan.blogspot.com.) Certainly we’ve enjoyed the last twelve years. But slowly, slowly cracks in our French idyll have started to appear, coinciding with Brexit. Much has been reported in the UK press, but little on the actual implications for British expats living in France. The biggest issue for us is future health care provision. The French health system is the best in the world, but our access to it as pensioners is via reciprocal arrangements between the UK and France. Already many are warning that, post-Brexit, we may lose this and be required to take up mandatory, private health insurance. However, after a calamitous year when Him indoors required a prostatectomy due to cancer, he is unlikely to qualify. Additionally we would probably lose the annual index-linking of our state pensions. Following his operation, we briefly considered convalescence in the lovely seaside resort of St. Annes in Lancs. However, a large fracking company’s proposals were approved by government, and drilling for gas (with the potential for carcinogenic radon gas leaks) is due to start imminently. So, that put paid to that idea. Additionally as I write this there’s the possibility of a certain Mme Le Pen of the Far-Right Front Nationale becoming the new French President. Already she’s won through to the second stage, but there lies the rub. Whoever wins, should any rational person consider living in a country where a large part of the population will vote for a fascist? So, in the end, it had to be Birmingham – the place where we both grew up and where we belong. As I’ve written about in Lamplight (authl.it/4q0), it’s where we, my parents and grandparents were married.  It’s something that is meant to be, but how to achieve it? Nothing comes easy as we struggle to unravel our lives in France, reversing the process of twelve years ago.  Someone old said to me recently:  if you’re going to do it, it has to be while you’re still fit and relatively healthy. If you wait too long, it’ll be too late. Following Brexit, there were basically only two choices for British expats: take up French citizenship or go back home. Him indoors knew his French would never be good enough to pass the hour-long interview test, so the die was cast. Others we know contemplating returning have discovered to their dismay that they’ve fallen off the housing ladder and will have to face renting in the UK. Certainly our new home in Birmingham will be nowhere near as nice as our French property with its acre of land and four bedrooms, but a decision had to be made. A realistic selling price was advertised via several local French immobiliers. Result? Zero interest. The French are canny. They don’t want to pay the exorbitant agent fees of 8% of the selling price, nor the ridiculous notaire costs of c.16,000 euros! I knew this so put our house on the LebonCoin internet site (like Ebay), advertising zero agent fees and splitting our property into separate house and land plots. Result? Voila. Both now sold. One in the eye for our unfriendly neighbour (see my blog for the full story – a man whom none of our other neighbours like either) when he realises a new house will shortly be constructed right next to his fence, but by then we’ll be long gone.Where will we live in Birmingham? Will we have to rent?  Fortunately we’ve found somewhere for a modest price not too far out, en route to the Lickeys – and with a lucky number 7 on the door. Of course, nothing ever runs smooth. Did I mention our two difficult rescue dogs?  Couldn’t possibly leave them behind as they’re old and a bit crazy – like us! Are they bilingual, I hear you say? There’s a joke in French – oui, ils sont bilangue; ils n’ecoutent ni en anglais ni en francais. (Yes, they’re bilingual; they listen neither in English nor in French.) But what can you do? We love them and they’re now part of the family.With a shake of my head, I turn away from the beautiful scene outside the window and contemplate all the packing boxes everywhere.  Yes, the sunshine, tranquillity and good food are nice here. But, for complete peace of mind, don’t ignore the inner self.  At the end of the day, it’s mixing with like-minded people in a community where you feel at home (and not forever foreign) that’s the most important. And for us, as we approach the final quarter of our lives, this seems like the right time to return to our roots. Brentrance – here we come!http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B013IBD4PU 

14th May 2017

Here's the new golden boy in France. Certainly better-looking and younger than all his predecessors. Result: Brussels much relieved, London anxious. Even Tony Blair has tried to get in on the act by writing to the new boy with Blairite 'words of wisdom', urging him to forget French bureaucracy - famous for keeping the status quo but hopeless for ever changing or modernising anything! Be bold, says Blair. Yes, well, look where that led him. So what has young Emmanuel got that has superseded everyone else? Well, he was known for juggling a high-stress job with tennis and cycling as well as being a prize-winning pianist with a Masters in philosophy. He's associated with French philosopher Ricoeur and Jacques Atali, who first arranged for Macron to join Hollande's cabinet. Atali was so impressed with him that he declared his young protege 'the stuff of presidents'. Well done Jacques - prescient indeed. Meantime, back in our rural gite, we visited the local historic Mining village. All went well until someone handed out miners' helmets and hair nets before ushering us all into a tiny, unlit, ancient miners' lift descending into the bowels of the earth. Did I go in? What do you think? I ran like hell, discarding helmet and net toute suite. Like the new golden boy in France, I never was one for underground movements.

7th May 2017

Let the French duel begin. Em, Em (Emmanuel Macron, Mr. Indecisive: only man to have the same initials for his party, En Marche, as his name!) v Mme Guillotine (if your face doesn't fit, off with your head)......
Meantime, back at the ranch.

Yes, finally we've moved out of our Gaillac house and into this cozy gite in the heart of the Albi countryside. A big relief. A constant nightmare trying to clean the ancient Gaillac house to an acceptable standard. All those exposed cables and pipes, stone floors with uncleanable, grungy tile grout, old light switches and tiled skirting boards with cut side upwards to collect all the dirt imaginable! We'll be staying en gite for up to 2m whilst awaiting the completion of our brand new UK house. Why here? So that Him indoors can be kept in the style and comfort to which he's been accustomed and also retain access to the excellent Albi medical treatment for as long as possible. He says he'll just have to put up with the sunshine, peace and swimming pool here...sigh....well away from Frankenstein neighbours. For me, always with a sharp eye on finances, it's very cheap.
.......Latest election polls predict a low turnout, certain to favour the NF candidate. The tumbrils are at the ready. The very existence of the EU is in the balance. In this duel, let's hope Le Pen is not mightier than the sword!

30th April 2017

What a week. First, personal  Last Saturday we held our Vide Maison. We'd decided that, because we had bought a very small, modern house in the UK, the large, classic French furniture here needed to be sold. I'd advertised it nationally, via the ubiquitous LebonCoin site, and locally via the familiar card on a board in our local Intermarche. First I had to deal with the downright rude responders on LebonCoin. For those who understand what this says, please don't repeat it to your mother-in-law: 'va te faire f......, sale cons.'  Clearly, she wasn't happy with my prices (3 - 100 euros for each piece). Oh well, can't win them all. The day dawned and TG loads of people arrived, carting away absolutely everything! Thursday the UK removals van arrived, taking with them the mainly bedroom furniture that we'd arranged. And, surprise, surprise, two of our previously-hostile neighbours turned up to give me a kiss on both cheeks. Pleased to see the back of us, you think??
Secondly, the French elections:

Just look at all those dark blue NF areas, including this Departement (81)! Yes, as expected, the dreaded Mme Le Pen is through to the second round on 7 May. To be clear, an outright fascist has just achieved an alarmingly large share of the votes in this modern democracy. Just goes to show what so many francaises really think.Am I gonna sit around as so many decent Berliners did back in the '30s? What d'you think - I'm outta here and fast.

23rd April 2017

Fear abounds. Not just the recent terrorist shootings in Paris either. None of the French I've spoken to know in which direction France is heading. They want to be proud of their heritage but fear what will happen should Marine Le Pen become President. The educated, business-types seem to prefer M. Fillon, but his chances were scuppered when the press printed accusatory libel re personal misdealings. Thinks...rather like what happened to Hillary Clinton...could global hackers be changing the face of French politics too? The young, of course, admire M. Macron but does he have the essential experience and world knowledge to cope with what lies ahead?  Thinks...look what happened to Philippe Petain in WW2...too weak and untested to deal with a rampant Hitler. Then there's a burgeoning M. Melanchon. If he and Le Pen get through to round 2 in a few weeks it'll be Far Right v Far Left. Quel choix! So rather like the Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe, the first round today is just for thorougbreds and largely just a 4 horse race. Who will win? The answer could destroy the EU in its tracks and change the face of French politics forever.  Ah well, there's always the UK elections coming soon....now there's a Grand National event. Maybe the favourite will fall at Becher's Brook and a total outsider come through on the rails? Madame Guillotine, are you ready?

16th April 2017

Are you old enough to remember Cool for Cats on UK TV from '56 - '67, presented by Canadian Kent Walton? Watching the Rolling Stones as teenagers, or even Cat Stevens, we laughed hysterically at the notion that such cool bands would still be performing at the crazy age of 74. But everything's changed today. We all have to stay young. As a writer, the internet's changed everything. Back in the '50s, once you had a publishing contract, you sat back and left all that advertising stuff to your publisher. But today? Rather belatedly I've realised that writing books and getting a publisher is not enough. You need an advertising budget, so I asked Him indoors (he of the old DIY market stall).  He said budget for marketing at 1% of my turnover. Turnover? All this came into sharp focus this weekend as my publisher crookedcatbooks.com has a major Easter sale running. What to do? As many of my characters are US-driven, I picked at random some US book promo sites and scratched together an advertising budget. Any success so far?  Yes!  Lamplight authl.it/4q0 and Vichyssoise authl.it/52l have leapt up the US charts particularly, with 3rd Degree Murder authl.it/4ia to be promoted tomorrow.  Am I still a Cool Cat as I was in the '50s?  Well I'm certainly trying, as Him indoors would say!

9th April 2017

De Gaulle once said 'Every man of action has a strong dose of egoism, pride, hardness and cunning...high qualities...the means to great ends.'
My all-time heroes are De Gaulle and Churchill, men who put into practice brave action when it was desperately needed. So all the more surprising that the man the whole world (including the US) loved to hate has turned the tide. Yes, Trump has confounded us all. Par contre I was left disappointed in Obama. Never was there such a fine orator, such a great actor on the world stage. Ultimately that was the problem - all fine words but absolutely no action. As Churchill might have said: sometimes autocratic, evil dictators rise up, against whom diplomacy and sitting on the fence are useless. Just ask Chamberlain! If you'd have asked me a few weeks ago what kind of global action Trump might take, I'd have imagined a scattergun, incoherent, all-guns-firing explosion of uncontrolled aggression. And yet, the action in Syria when it came was careful, proportionate, exactly targetted and controlled.  Both Hollande and Merkel were full of praise, despite their own worries at home. As usual in the EU, it's the constant struggle of right v left. For each, the favourite successor wants a full United States of Europe - but where's the democracy in that?
,,,,What would De Gaulle have said?  'Politics - too serious a matter to be left to politicians!'

2nd April 2017

Mad dogs and Englishmen....
So the Brexit button was finally pushed. Could have been worse - better than the nuclear button. But still the US and EU inwardly implode, the UK starts to fragment and next week Mme Le Pen comes to the fore. Meanwhile, we went to our local French vet to get our two rescue dogs microchipped in time for the customs inspection at Calais.  The UK government site is clear: microchip then rabies vaccine. The French vet said Non, vous n'avez pas compris. The procedure order doesn't matter, it's the 21 days after the vaccine before travel that matters. I knew I was right, but let him go ahead with both procedures the same day. Only then did he discover that Tina, our 2nd rescue dog, was never registered to us, nor even to the alcoholic who originally left her at the rescue kennel. Tina's a pedigree dog and still registered with the breeder!  This means that the Customs may not let her travel with us. Disaster! Well to cut a long story short, finally we've managed to change ownership to us via the French I-CAD system (similar to the Kennel Club in the UK). But still I worry because they could interpret this new chip change as being performed after the vaccine and leave us fuming in Calais.
..go out in the midday sun.

26 March 2017

This week marks a number of events: 84 years since Hitler assumed full dictator pouvoir powers via Reichstag decree; 60 years since the Treaty of Rome, the founding of the EU; on Friday Trump lost his chance to improve on Obamacare; yet another brainwashed terrorist ran amok in London killing and maiming innocent civilians, and this Wednesday is the day the UK PM presses the Brexit button. So, where to start with all that mess?  For Americans reading this, I can only direct you to read my blog of 19 Feb 2017 and tell the President what he should have done. In France the health system works, so why not copy a winning system? Re Hitler and Europe, I know what my late father would have said:  keep away! Today's EU is moving too far towards an all-consuming federal state. The problem with the Muslim terrorists, unlike murderers of the past, is that they are doing what they do in the name of a widespread and burgeoning religion: Islam. That is what innocent Muslims around the world must deal with. What do I think? Life is never simply black or white, but a melange of things. The world must learn from the past and pick and mix the things that work, like the French health system, and the overarching goodwill of so many good and kind people around the world.    

Tuesday 21 March 2017

My publisher, Crooked Cat Books, is branching into non-fiction and my professionally-produced and revised book, Pensioners in Paradis, will be one of the first two published under the True Cats non-fiction line. (The other will be Life with Arfur by David Robinson.) Pensioners in Paradis is expected to appear in paperback and e-book later this year.  A contract for the book was signed yesterday afternoon and the formal announcement was made on Facebook and Twitter later in the evening. Here's the preliminary announcement. New artwork will be displayed soon.

Crooked Cat Books 2017

A few weeks ago I discussed with fellow authors on FB about the various genres they enjoyed reading in these worrying times.  Certainly humour came high on the list. In my experience anything that shows ordinary people finding themselves in ridiculous situations with which others can empathise, is always good for a laugh. Add to that the folly of trying and failing to mimic the lifestyles of other cultures whilst continuing a lifetime habit of self-deprecation and depression and you see what I mean.  I can already feel a FB event party coming on.....

19 March 2017

There's a new word in the dictionary. Cyberia....
I'm reminded of an early episode of Star Trek in the '60s where two warring peoples had stopped conventional war for centuries by peacefully choosing random people to voluntarily eliminate themselves. In today's real world the horrors of WW2 and subsequent fighting remind us every day of the horrors of war and the killing of millions - usually initiated by the pride of a single dictator or brain-washed, deranged groups constantly seeking more land to aggrandise personal motives. One reason why many Remainers voted to stay in the EU was to avoid such wars. But now we also have cyber warfare where warmongers are much more subtle, using the silent web to further their aims. Deterrence? You'd need to stop everyone using a computer - impossible. If we can't stop the proliferation of conventional wars, how on earth can we stop Cyberia?
....No point calling on Scottie to put up his defence shields. There are none yet for Cyberia. Come on Sir Tim Berners-Lee, on the anniversary of your invention: we need you. Otherwise we're all out in the cold.

12th March 2017

Oh to see ourselves as others see us, as Robbie Burns said so eloquently in 1786...
After near-hurricane winds we lost all our English TV programmes. So, on channel TF1 we've been watching Bienvenue chez-nous, the French version of the crassly-named 'Four-in-a-Bed' whereby fellow B&B owners score points off each other's establishment and facilities. One couple were English expats. First, the wife painted their volets her favourite colour purple. No! Then they served the other owners a full English breakfast of eggs/tomatoes/mushrooms. No! I recognised the wife's introversion when she greeted each new arrival far too affectionately by throwing her arms around each of them, rather than the standard French polite peck on each cheek. Then the host's French accent.  He spoke fluently, but his pronunciation!  Eventually, despite offering their guests a fab musical jam session in their barn, the English hosts couldn't undo the harm already done, scoring only 4s and 5s.
...Rule no.1 in France: Paint volets according to the commune colour in which you live. 2. Practise your French accent every day. 3. Serve food as the French do. 4. Cultivate French mannerisms.  So, quoting St. Ambrose, a mediaeval Latin poet: if you want to gain favour in France, when in Rome do as the Romans do!

5th March 2017

In the Foreword to Vichyssoise I note that "People in democracies all over the world, when casting their vote for leader, should choose the person who is the most educated of the selection." Of course in that book I was referring to the populist French choice of Philippe Petain in WW2 - a man far too-weak and politically-inexperienced. The problem is that no-one at the time of voting could possibly have known what their newly-elected leader would be forced to face. This week a French historian, ironically a specialist in WW2, was detained for 10 hours by armed US customs officials whilst on his way to an academic conference in Texas. Other innocent new arrivals have reported similarly that if you get called out of the arrivals line, you are screamed at and treated as a potential terrorist. What then can the world do about Donald Trump? He's certainly not weak as Petain was and may actually deliver some populist constitutional changes, but his political inexperience and gung-ho bravura, combined with a team bristling with 'mad dog' Generals, bodes just as much ill for the world as did the mild Petain when collaborating with Hitler. I wonder if on his Oval Office wall Trump's got a sign, emulating Petain, saying 'L'histoire me jugera'!

26th February 2017

The excitement began last Tuesday.  All seemed a bit vague. Our notaire didn't contact us but the buyer casually mentioned that we should be at the notaire's on the 21st. No paperwork. Just his casual mention.  Oh, OK then. I made some cinnamon and ginger biscuits in an attempt to sweeten everyone up. Tuesday arrived and, from past experience, had to assume that the venue would be the buyer's notaire in Lisle sur Tarn. Arrived early comme d'habitude and bit our nails.  Would the buyer arrive? Walked in and stared sightlessly out of the window. Voices were heard in the car park. Buyer had turned up!  All were ushered into an office, I placed my biscuits centre table, and the spiel began. Questions were asked. Did we know of any reason that neighbours might object??
 No, not to our knowledge, we said....I know, I know. Papers were passed to and fro, signatures were requested on innumerable pieces of paper. Everyone ate a biscuit.  So, is that it? I asked our notaire.  Oui! she said. Finally, the house is sold and all monies would be sent immediately to our French bank!!! Meantime, we've agreed with the buyer to remain as tenants whilst we await completion of our new-build English house.  Perfect.  A new stage in our lives. Here's a pic of work in progress. Support all around...just what I need myself!

19th February 2017

As I and the NHS approach our 70th birthday, we both need a full body scan! No more standing on the scales myopically ignoring the obvious. The problem is nostalgia. No-one likes change, even when it's so obvious. Using the French health system shows up strikingly all that is wrong with the UK and the US systems. Here's a plan: 1. UK: raise your annual GDP from the current 9.1% to at least the French 11.5%. 2. US: introduce a national, fair system based on the French model. 3. Each government to pay 70% of all health costs; individuals 30% - the latter paid for via Government-approved, cheap health insurance. 4. Built-in safeguards for free access to the low-paid and the terminally ill. 5. Introduce French-style carte vitales, with built-in health history microchips to use at all pharmacies/hospitals/surgeries for instant, free access to care.  Why? UK: this will cut at a stroke the excessive queues for urgent care, no longer 'not enough beds', whilst providing free taxis from home to hospital for those with long-duration conditions. No need for so many highly-paid administrators as the system won't need them. US: no longer can you say you can't afford to go to the doctor.  Nostalgia? Forget it. It's a thing of the past.

12th February 2017

This comic opera called global politics continues... Have you seen the new Mr. President book by Steve Bannon (http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2017/02/08/donald-trump-mr-men-cartoon-just-superb/). Says it all really. Here in France it's not much better. Since the Conservative Fillon's fall from grace, who's left in the imminent race for the new French President?  Yes, you've guessed it: the current 'It girl francaise': Marine Le Pen.  And for other expats reading this, have you heard the latest from her lips?  She will stop all dual citizenship!  Does she realise, I wonder, that following Brexit there were only 2 options for British expats here: to take dual citizenship or go back to the UK?  Yet more booking their passage home then. Of course, there's always the new young garcon on the block, Emmanuel Macron, who plans to stand in the election under the banner of En Marche!, a centrist movement he founded in April. But already there's a closet gay suspicion about him. Shouldn't make a difference but in the world of anonymous voting, who knows? So, the right-wing bandwagon morphs on.
...Bacharach's comic song springs to mind: One wheel on my wagon and I'm still rolling along.....

5th February 2017

Back in France after a whirlwind tour of all the 'scenic routes' of Birmingham. I know, I know...but so much has changed in 12 years. There were the familiar Burlington and Piccadilly arcades; turn a corner and Mars has landed. And don't even mention the University I worked at for 30 years. What's happened to the old Gun Barrels Pub on the corner? Now a sports centre it seems.
So, what's happened whilst I've been away? A terrorist attack by a machete-wielding Egyptian in the Louvre, and PenelopeGate in French politics. Seems the Conservative frontrunner, Fillon, has been paying his wife and family loads of government money. Still prefer him, though, to the alternative...And that man over the pond is still grabbing all the headlines. Despite Theresa May's charm offensive (she's the charm, he's the offensive!), to the rest of the world he clearly didn't go to presidential school nor to diplomacy college, preferring to use the old streetcred tactics he learnt on the backstreets of downtown Bronx. I picture him as the worst kind of nightclub bouncer:  no, this is my place and if I say you can't come in, you can't come in. Has much changed, then, in the week I've been away?  No. The world's still just as mad as ever.

29th January 2017.

We're in the U.K.  Should we go ahead and progress the purchase of a house or not? There lies the rub. What does Him indoors say? So we went to the site with son Jon who thinks we're mad anyway. Why would anyone move from the south of France to grey, rainy England?  Take a look at what Clarkson said in last week's ST. Pretty clear. He says Nice is his fave place of all time. But - and here's the punchline- only to visit on holiday. Never to live there permanently. There's only so many boule games you can play and what's the rest of the family gonna do there?
Decided then. Follow Clarkson and Branson's advice: screw it. Let's do it!  House reg signed. And Him indoors? Can't go wrong following Clarkson's advic

22nd January 2017

"The man on the podium raised his right arm in salute. The crowd were in a frenzy, screaming themselves hoarse 'ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.' There was even a band playing nationalistic music...The crowd whispered that in front of them stood their saviour - the man who promised to give them at long last their prosperity and a better life..."  Extract from Lamplight (authl.it/4q0) by Olga Swan
Yesterday Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the USA, bringing with him a new era of nationalism, alongside Putin of Russia, Modi of India, Xi of China and Erdogan of Turkey et al. Their talk of international relations takes us back to the 19C world of sovereign powers following their own national interests. Here in France, the V-P of France's Front Nationale declared 'French independence soon'. Reminded me of my own words in Vichyssoise (amzn.to/2bg3kkG) after the French - like the current US voters - voted in the 'wrong' man, Petain, who then went on to 'collaborate' with Hitler: "Gentlemen, I propose armistice with Hitler..." Will Trump soon 'collaborate' with Putin? This world of mutually-congratulatory nationalism is ruining all the post-war endeavours of so many presidents and other global leaders, and threatening the very existence of Nato's guarantee to Europe. This nationalism we've seen before. Always starts with high hopes and crowd fervour and always ends in tears.  I'm old enough to remember the Cuban missile crisis. Are we heading for another similar nationalistic leader clash against maybe Xi? Let's hope Trump doesn't end up like Petain: tried and condemned by his own countrymen!

15th January 2017

A great big tree grows near our house; it's been there quite some time
Woodman, woodman, spare that tree; touch not a single bough
This tree's a slipp'ry elm and very hard to climb, the only tree my wife can't climb..
For years it has protected me and I'll protect it now.
Phil Harris 1947
Since the storm in November I've awaited a local woodman to call and take away 3 trees that fell in our garden. But, as usual, nothing moves fast in France. At last, a lorry arrived and 3 Frenchmen scratched their heads whilst contemplating the work. At last they came to a decision: they would need to chop up the giant lime into smaller chunks before carting away. Now, before you tell me we should have kept them: it was a living tree, so therefore usable as firewood only after we've left. But they agreed to chop up the other two (dead) trees which are now safely logged and providing warmth in our salon poelle each night. Success.
Yesterday on France24 news, the Donald was spouting his own peculiar brand of 'wisdom' re building his own barrier between him and his neighbour Mexico, and with typical chutzpah, sending the bill to them! What's next: an even bigger wall along the length of Canada or between Alaska and Canada?? No, Donald. The aim of a world leader is to tear down barriers, not erect them. Whilst shaving this morning he must have been singing his own version of the Phil Harris song: 'Congress, congress, spare that wall..it's very hard to climb; for years it will protect me and I'll protect it now...'

8th January 2017

Love him or loathe him, will Trump's friendship with Putin mean fewer global wars? Here in France I was surprised to discover that quite a few local French read my blog regularly. I know, from when I was researching Vichyssoise, that an air of reticence still survives on what exactly happened here during WW2. And yet it's so important that we all learn from the past so as to avoid future conflict. Yes, even if it means going along with Trump!  So, especially for my French readers, here's an extract from Vichyssoise covering, uniquely, just this region. It concerns Karin, German-born spy for British Intelligence, seeking clues as to German whereabouts in this, as yet unoccupied, part of S.W. France. Want to read more?  amzn.to/2bg3kkG
March 1942
St Antonin
It was icy cold, a hard crunchy rime covering the slippery stones on the narrow alleyway which was the Rue de la Treille. Karin stood on the ground floor step of her apartment building, wrapping her warm black coat securely around her and pulling her black cloche hat down over her ears and new blonde curls.
Last night, she had used her last bottle of the precious peroxide. She had been eking out the solution as best she could, but it was no use; the inevitable brown roots could not be left any longer. The dark sections were already one and a half inches long and were becoming harder to hide. It was important that every section of hair was thoroughly soaked, so she made sure she did as good a job as she possibly could. She didn’t know when she might get another opportunity. God, the stink! She knew that the smell would linger for some time in her bathroom, so she made sure the door was closed securely, with the top sash of the window open. For once, it was useful having a poky room right under the eaves of the grenier. Not even the most determined burglar would be able to scale up to that height, and in any case the bathroom window overlooked only a dark and moss-covered yard below.
Now successfully re-blonded, she felt confident to continue with the rest of her mission. Her warm black coat was still doing its double duty as both raiment and security store for the remainder of her vital francs. As such, these days the coat was as much in ‘code’ as she was.
The morning mist was still hovering at upper-window level as she pulled the handlebars of her bicycle away from the wall and dropped a small overnight bag into the basket on the front. Her bicycle had proved invaluable during her stay, and had more than paid its way since she had exchanged some of her precious francs for it. She looked around, and was relieved to see that the early-morning streets were still deserted.
She turned right at the corner of the Rue de la Treille, past the church on the right and further up the steep, narrow alleyway towards the Place de la Halle at the top of the slippery hill. There she paused briefly, legs straddling either side of her bicycle, as she took in deep gulps of the crisp morning air. She looked up to the heavens, as if for divine inspiration, as she noted with pleasure the scene all around her. In pride of place stood the ancient covered market place which, in times of peace, was full of local produce. Today it was a mere shadow of its former glory, as its stone pillars stood unspeaking, unyielding to the current follies of man. Its very impassivity spoke volumes, as did the grimacing gargoyles high up on the ancient buildings opposite: Today may be grim, but tomorrow… Just wait and see… We will return as good and vibrant as ever… Just be patient… Be patient… Be patient...
She had a long journey ahead of her, so she’d better get on with it before she changed her mind. She had memorised by heart the words of Gwendoline’s short missive before destroying the crinkled slip of paper in the dying flames of last night’s fire. The words had been short but succinct.
Imperative we know date when Germans take over unoccupied zone. Take whatever means to find out, and report back soonest. Gwendoline.
After leaving the café last night, with the slip of paper still secreted in her coat pocket, she had nodded to the old women in their usual chairs in the Place du Bessarel, taking their daily airing in the dying rays of the sun. You could always tell when the weather was getting warmer, by their very presence. She had perched herself on the stone wall alongside them and adopted a relaxed, chatty air with them.
“It’s a terrible time, a terrible time,” she said soberly to them.
Oui, c’est terrible,” they agreed, nodding their heads sagely to each other, as if only the old like them could possibly appreciate all they suffered.
“At least there are no Germans here…” she remarked casually.
The old woman nearest to her shook her head.
“Ah, but my brother Frédéric says he has seen some not far away. It was last Tuesday, or…” she scratched her head, “maybe it was Wednesday… I know it couldn’t have been Monday because even now the shops are always closed on a Monday...”
The other women all nodded in agreement. Karin tried hard not to look impatient, as she waited for the old woman to continue.
“Anyway, he saw two soldiers in Laguépie, you know, the village twenty kilometres down the road. He was doing some business there – you know what Frédéric’s like…”
Her colleagues cackled, knowing all too well that Frédéric was probably up to no good – probably bartering something for nothing, as usual.
“Anyway, there, large as life, sat two German soldiers. Frédéric couldn’t believe it, but there was no doubt. He listened, but couldn’t understand a word they said. Such a barbarous language. But they seemed to have plenty of francs on them… Frédéric especially noticed that.”
Her colleagues laughed. In truth, these days there was not much to laugh about.
“Anyway,” she repeated, “they were sitting having coffee in the café in the square there.”
Karin assumed an air of unconcern as she chatted with them for several more minutes, agreeing with them about the difficulty of living these days. How could one live if the shops had nothing to sell? Eventually, after a while, she stood up and stretched her bones.
“I must be getting old,” she said to them.
One old woman replied, as Karin knew she would, “Ah, you young ones don’t know what it is to be old. Do you know how old I am?”
Karin suggested a ridiculously low number.
The woman looked pleased. “I’m seventy-five,” she said, preening herself.
“Never!” said Karin courteously as she waved goodbye to the ladies and wished them “Bonne Soirée”.
Back in her own flat, she worked out a plan of action based on this latest information. Maybe she could cycle to Laguépie and take a look. It was a long way, but it was just about manageable if she took some breaks along the way. Basically, it was one long cycle ride along the river and the old railway track, so she felt sure she couldn’t get lost.
There definitely seemed to be a shift in allegiance amongst the locals around her. Although they still revered their beloved Maréchal, hero of Verdun, they hated this armistice with the Nazi regime. Most ordinary people didn’t know which way to turn in search of a better life. There was still a deep strain of anti-communism running through the country, and that had been the reason for many at first to say “Better Hitler than Stalin.” But now those same voices seemed to be increasing all around her in favour of an alliance with the British and the Americans.
 If I go over to the occupied zone now, she thought, I would almost certainly be arrested. Well then, there’s only one thing to do – cycle to that village which the old woman mentioned, and try to find out something from those German soldiers.
A small voice resonated deep in her brain. Are you crazy? The Germans will know you from what you did in ’38 and ’39. You’d be throwing yourself into the lion’s den.
But then she thought: Ah, but I’ve changed my appearance and name since then. I am no longer Karin Schmidt, the brunette singer and dancer who worked as a Kabarettartistin at the Schweizerei at Scheitnig Park. I am now the blonde Monique LeGrand with an important job to undertake for the Nazis… Yes, she thought, more to reassure herself than anything else, that’s the only plan I’ve got. And it had better be good; otherwise I’m well and truly sunk.
The following dawn strengthened her resolve, so now having caught her breath in the Place de la Halle, with a resolute straightening of her shoulders she turned her bicycle round the right-hand corner and cycled along the country lanes in the general direction of Laguépie. Eventually she came to the main road outside the small village of Lexos.
At last she saw a sign welcoming her to Laguépie – at least, the lettering said Bienvenue, but the peeling paint and chipped woodwork told another story. Alongside ran the railway track, iron rails rusting from the combined effects of southern heat, winter rain and all-too-infrequent trains. Around the corner, spanning this section of the Aveyron, was the bridge which acted as the gateway to the town. She saw that there was a general square to her right, so she gratefully stepped down from her bicycle and wheeled it around the corner and down the hill to the square.
She looked up at the sky. A sudden glimmer of a returning sun told her that spring was well on its way. She took it thankfully as a good omen for what lay ahead. She certainly needed it.
The waiter from the café facing the square was wiping over the few scattered tables and chairs outside, drying his damp hands on the front of his long white apron before preparing to return inside. Karin approached him hopefully.
Pardon, Monsieur. Est-ce que vous avez une chambre pour la nuit?
The man looked surprised, but, evidently pleased at this unexpected source of income, said, “Oui, Mademoiselle, bien sûr,” before waving his arm airily up above the café premises.
Like most of the buildings in the town, the residence was old and crumbling, but with several storeys always available these days for accommodation. Karin wheeled her bicycle round to the back of the building and parked it in what she hoped would be a safe place, securing it temporarily to an old tree. Lugging her bag from the front basket she retraced her steps back round to the front and went inside to the gloomy interior. The man was nowhere to be seen, so she followed a sign to some stairs at the back and began to climb up. On the second floor, a door stood ajar. She poked her head around and saw a woman making up a single bed. The woman looked up, stretching her aching back muscles, with both hands on the back of her hips, in a grimace of pain.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle,” she said politely. “Entrez, entrez.” She indicated a pink wicker chair by the only window in the room. Karin entered, depositing her bag on the floor. The woman finished making up the bed and showed her where the bathroom was situated, across the corridor behind a none-too-private curtain hanging from a rail above. But there was also a small washstand in the room, so that would have to do. Once the woman had finished, Karin dropped a few coins into her hand and she departed, smiling.
Karin walked over to the window and glanced out. The window looked right over the main square, giving her a bird’s-eye view of all the comings and goings. It was perfect.
She looked at her watch. Six o’clock. Time for a rest before moving on to the next stage in her plan. She threw her bag on to the chair and extracted a few things that should suit her purpose, before flopping down on the too-soft bed. There was a hollow in the middle where the springs had obviously given up the ghost, creaking in annoyance at this unwelcome weight on their rapidly failing inner tension. She didn’t care. Arms behind her head, she closed her eyes and thought through what she must do.
Her mind went back to Fritz Jürgens and the Schweizerei back home in Breslau. How long ago all that seemed now. But for now, as Karin lay back on her uncomfortable bed in Laguépie, she hummed La Vie en Rose whilst working out her next plan of action. If she was to find out what she needed to know, it would be necessary to bring all her stage talents to the fore to succeed. Madame from the café had told her earlier that dinner was served from 19.30. Karin had difficulty getting used to the twenty-four hour clock that the French used, preferring the English style, but she was getting there, petit à petit. She pulled on the clothes she had set out on the chair: silk stockings, a skirt that was a little too tight, and a low-necked blouse that showed a little too much cleavage. She peered at herself in the cracked mirror, manoeuvring her face either side of the rusty brown fissure which ran diagonally through the glass. She leaned forward, rouging her mouth a little more, pressing her lips tightly together to seal the imprint. Yes, she thought, turning first one way then the other. Just tarty enough for my purpose. All that remained to complete the ensemble was to pull on some high-heeled shoes. Parfait.
At 19.45 she click-clacked down the stairs and wandered outside to a table facing the square. She sat down as elegantly as she could on the wobbly metal folding chair, crossing one silken leg over the other. She pretended to study the menu for a long time, whilst surreptitiously sizing up the passers-by.
The waiter came over, notebook in hand. He apologised for the paucity of the fare.
C’est le blocus, Mademoiselle. Qu’est-ce qu’on peut faire?
Karin smiled sympathetically. “Un petit pichet de vin rouge, s’il vous plaît, Monsieur, et une salade verte.”
“Oui, madamemoiselle.”
Just as he finished noting down her order, she asked him conversationally, “Monsieur, est-ce qu’il y a des allemands en ville?
His expression changed at the mention of Germans, indicating even as she spoke two soldiers who had just come into view. There was no doubting that they were German. Even if they had not been wearing the hated dark uniform, she could have identified them from the way they walked, and the fact that they laughed and looked so happy. She thanked the waiter and poured herself a glass of water whilst she waited for her order.
Outside in the square, a few drops of squally rain had started to fall, splattering onto the striped awning of the café before squeezing off the ends onto the cracked, sunken cobbles beneath. The two Germans looked up at the heavens, as if disbelieving the inclemency of the weather here in the southern zone, before rushing under the awning and slouching down at a table alongside hers.
One of the soldiers noticed Karin and raised his cap.
Guten Abend, gnädiges Fräulein,” then, evidently realising his mistake, “Ach… Bonsoir, Mademoiselle.”
His colleague guffawed at his gaffe, saying something particularly crude against the female sex. After all, this young French woman couldn’t possibly understand what they were saying. What did it matter now anyway? The Third Reich had overcome their country, and it was about time all these peasants learned how to speak a proper language.
Karin looked sideways at them, nodded coolly, then glanced back at her menu, suddenly very interested in every word it contained. The waiter returned, setting a small brown jug of red wine onto her table, followed by a plate of green salad. He apologised again for the lack of olive oil and vinegar dressing. She smiled up at him. “Pas grave.” It was of no consequence.
She poured herself a glass of wine, then started to pick at her salad with the fork. She knew she wouldn’t have to wait long. Suddenly, there was the scraping of chairs on the slippery cobbles. Karin ignored the noise and continued to pick at her food.
“May we join you, Mademoiselle?” one of the Germans asked, in excruciating French.
She lifted an arched eyebrow.
“May I introduce myself. I am Kurt, and this,” he pointed to his colleague, “is Hans.”
 “Si vous voulez.” She nodded towards the two vacant chairs at her table with a disinterested shrug.
That was all the introduction they needed. They walked over and plonked themselves down, spreading their legs wide around the small spindly table legs.
“And you, Madamemoiselle?” they asked.
Quoi? Alors, je m’appelle Monique. Monique LeGrand.”
Enchanté, Mademoiselle. We are very pleased to make your acquaintance, Monique.” They called the waiter over.
“Two beers, please. And make it snappy.”
The waiter grunted and turned on his heel, his feelings very evident by the sullen expression on his face.
“Well, Monique. What are you doing in this rundown part of the world? I’ve never seen such a place so lacking in modern facilities,” said the presumptuous one. His colleague merely looked at her sardonically, his feelings about her already apparent from his heavily-lidded gaze.
“Oh, it’s not so bad. I don’t live here, but am merely visiting. I have a grandmother who lives over there.” Karin pointed airily across the square in the direction of the Mairie, just across from the old church.
“And what do you do with yourself, Monique?” said the loquacious one, eyeing her up and down in an insolent way, and looking for all the world as if he had already made up his own mind.
Karin was saved from answering this difficult question by the sudden arrival of a group of local men, for whom this place evidently was their local bar. They pushed past the outstretched legs of the two tall Germans, provoking a grunt from the silent one. It was clear that the locals weren’t going to let the presence of two Nazis stop them from enjoying a glass or two. They had little enough to cheer them as it was. The waiter came over, sullenly banging down two beers in front of the Germans, the froth slopping over onto the table.
“Here, watch it, can’t you?” said the vocal one, starting to rise with annoyance. He was stopped by his colleague, who restrained him by pulling on his sleeve.
“Calm down, Kurt,” he said in German. “It’s not worth it. They’re only ignorant peasants, after all.”
Kurt calmed down, sitting back down again with a “Hmmpf.” They slurped at their beer.
Karin calmly continued with her salad, and finished the last dregs of her wine. That done, she pushed her now empty plate and glass away from her, wiping her rouged lips carefully with her napkin.
“Well, it’s been nice meeting you two gentlemen,” she said, scraping back her spindly chair, as she called the waiter over to pay her bill. But Kurt stayed her arm.
“We’ll pay for that, won’t we, Hans?” He winked at his friend, before throwing a few coins down on the table for the waiter to scrabble together.
“That’s most kind of you both,” simpered Karin, patting her blonde coiffure into place. “I don’t know how to thank you. It’s so difficult to live nowadays…”
“Perhaps you would like to join us at a club we know in Montauban?” said Hans, lifting an enquiring eyebrow.
“Oh, I don’t know. Is it very far? I’m afraid I don’t know the area very well…” breaking off in apparent hesitation.
“No,” they both said together, and Hans added, “Not very far at all. We have our vehicle right over there. We could get there in no time.” They both laughed at their apparent luck.
Karin excused herself, pleading a need to go to the ladies’ room at the back. Once there, she looked at herself in the mirror, steeling herself for what might transpire. She opened her bag, rummaged for her lipstick, and applied another layer of bright red. Satisfied that she looked right for the part she had forced herself to play, she shrugged her shoulders and thought, What the hell. In for a penny, in for a pound. The end would jolly well have to justify the means, however sordid. I’ve done it before and I can do it again… As she returned from the ladies’ room, she passed the counter where the bartender was wiping up some beer spillages. He glanced up as she passed.
“Is everything all right, Mademoiselle? Do you need any help?”
“No. Thank you, Monsieur. I know what I’m doing…”
He shrugged and returned to his cleaning-up operation, as she click-clacked outside onto the cobbles again and forced herself to smile brightly to the two soldiers. The local men inside the bar looked at her briefly in evident disgust, before they too shrugged their shoulders and stared again into their mugs. They didn’t know what the world was coming to.
Inside the inevitable Volkswagen, parked in the Place du Foirail opposite the café, Hans took the wheel whilst Kurt struggled, grumblingly, into the back. Karin had pleaded mal de mer, insisting that she must sit in the front where she could look right ahead. She had no intention of being pawed all the way to Montauban, thank you very much. Before they left, she asked if she could please take her bicycle with her. “You never know who might steal it,” she said to them knowingly, all the while aware that it might be the only way of getting back to her lodgings again. That’s if I’m still in one piece, she thought wryly.
Grumbling, Hans agreed, the two men cursing as they struggled to tie the bike onto the roof using an old rope. But Hans evidently thought it was worth it, not wanting to miss this chance of getting a woman for the night.
“Thank you,” she simpered. “That’s so good of you.”
Hans took the wheel again and they skidded out of the Place, and up to the bridge spanning the confluence of the Aveyron and Vaour rivers. It was now dark, the sky black velvet with a few twinkling stars shining down from the abyss to give her what little comfort there was. Precious little, she thought, but I must go slowly. I can’t give the game away too soon or I’ll be well and truly sunk. Petit à petit, pas à pas Little by little, step by step…
The car motored its long way from Laguépie, past the picturesque bastide villages of Varen, St Antonin, Penne and Bruniquel, before reaching the long, straight roads leading to Montauban. There seemed to be an endless succession of tunnels, one after the other, bored deep through limestone rocks. At each tunnel, the wind outside seemed to change its tune, whistling high then low as the outside conditions reverberated against suddenly damp, mildewed walls, then outside to dry air again. Up above, either side of the road which snaked through the river valley, were the tremendous rocks and caves of the Gorges du Aveyron.
Then, at last, they were in Montauban. She asked the time. It had only taken them an hour, but it seemed like a lifetime. Hans grumbled that they would soon be out of fuel, so he parked the car in front of the first likely place. It was a bistro, which was advertising a cabaret that evening.
There must be more Germans who’ve arrived down here, Karin thought. They surely wouldn’t get many locals able to afford either the money or the time for such frivolity…
They stretched their legs, glad to be out of the confinement of the Volkswagen, before making their way to the bistro.
“I used to do an act in a place like this in Paris,” she ventured, trying to continue the part she had set up for herself.
Ach, I thought you looked like a showgirl, didn’t I, Hans?” said Kurt, taking her arm possessively.
They went inside. The foyer was dark, lit here and there by soft red lamps. Karin thought wryly that it looked like a bordello. She hoped it wasn’t.
They walked through into the main auditorium at the back. There were a few tables and chairs, and some accordion music was filtering through to lighten the atmosphere. A few men were sitting about, cigarette smoke billowing and hanging in a heavy cloud around the bar. They ordered sparkling wine from the local Gaillac region, Kurt laughing loudly as the cork finally burst out of the bottle and nearly knocked senseless the unfortunate man sitting near the entrance.
Karin looked at them both from underneath her lashes, thick with mascara. Yes, she thought. Now that they are both relaxed, this is as good a time as any.
She plucked up courage.
“So, Kurt?”
Jawohl, my dear?” He leaned his head towards hers. He was already fairly intoxicated.
“I don’t really understand what is happening. I’m only a woman and it all seems too much for me. What I mean is… Why exactly are you here?” She hoped that she sounded suitably ditzy.
Kurt smiled at her, cupping her chin in his.
“My poor baby. All too much for you, is it?” He patted her head as if she were some kind of puppy.
She smiled up at him adoringly.
“Well, you see… How shall I explain it for you? Your country has signed an agreement with ours because you needed our help. There are some terrible people across the water in England who will stop at nothing to fight us. If we didn’t help you, they would be here already, taking over every bit of Europe. So, you see, sweetling, we are here to protect you. Yes, that’s it. We are here as your protectors. You don’t have to worry about a thing now we are here. And, soon, there will be a lot more of us.”
Here was Karin’s opportunity, and she seized it with both hands.
“But, Kurt dearest, we will need many more of you down here. When will all your friends be arriving? I so much want to see them all.” She pulled his head down onto her shoulder.
“Oh, shouldn’t be long now,” he replied sleepily. “By mid-November at the latest, I would have thought.”
Hans shook his colleague sharply. “That’s enough, Kurt,” he snapped in German. “You talk too much!”
“Oh, you worry too much,” replied Kurt, also in German. “She’s only a silly Kabarettmädchen, after all. What would she know?”
“Walls have ears, you fool.” Hans drained his glass and stormed off to get replacements.
Suddenly there was a drum-roll and the curtains fronting the stage opened to sporadic applause from the auditorium. A troop of girls ran onto the stage and started a dance routine, swirling their skirts about to the immense enjoyment of those gentlemen sitting immediately below them.
Much the same routine as the girls back home in the Schweizerei, thought Karin, as she planned her exit route.
She leaned over to Kurt, whispering that she needed the ladies’ room. She picked up her bag, kissing him lightly on his balding head.
“Won’t be long,” she said, blowing a kiss from the heel of her hand as she wandered drunkenly towards the back of the auditorium.
Near the door she looked back briefly. Kurt and Hans had their backs to her, and were waving their glasses in time to the music as the girls swung into their raucous finale.
Auf Wiedersehen, meine Freunde!” she whispered, as she unlatched the exit door and fled out into the night. Outside, a light rain was drizzling down onto the greasy pavements. She quickly kicked off her awful tarty shoes and ran over to where they had parked the car. Reaching up, she desperately scrabbled to untie the knots in the rope surrounding her bicycle. Just as they appeared to be loosening, two men suddenly appeared and asked if they could help.
“No,” she replied breathlessly. “It’s alright. I can manage.”
A voice, suddenly awfully familiar, shouted out in surprise:
“Karin? It can’t be you? Karin Schmidt!”
Her worst nightmare. There was no doubt. She was looking up into the suddenly murderous eyes of Fritz Jürgens, her ex-boyfriend, the Nazi soldier she had jilted and betrayed back home in Breslau in 1939.
Oh my God.
The game was up – right at the final hurdle.