18th August 2008

We've all been saturated with wall-to-wall Olympics. And ever since John Major paved the way with Lottery funding, team GB has actually been winning some medals for once - certainly above France which does nothing fast. But for me, I can't cope with looking at all those super-fit, toned bodies with their washboard stomachs. Staring at myself in our full-length mirror this morning, I could only groan in comparison. Maybe I should take up a bit of sport. I looked down the Olympics' lists. Ivor Legover, hurdles champion; Eva Mountain, Russian shotputter; Eileen Dover, diving belle; and that polite losing Irishman, Hugo First. But in all seriousness, I'm not convinced that keeping fit makes you live long. You only have to look in all those care homes: where are all the athletes of yesteryear? They died of heart attacks at 50. Ask any of the old inmates why they have lived so long and they all say the same: everything in moderation. Don't sit down all day, but don't wear out all your organs in one go either. It's the same with cars. A Ferrari might run sweet and true whilst new, but how long does it last? So, to look after your parts, move them about a bit but not to excess. I looked again for my ideal gentle sporting event: the beached whale class, but in vain. Oh well, maybe in another 4 years' time.